I crossed the turbulent river in a boat fashioned by these hands. I hold spears made of bamboo.
Stay a while in my embrace, becoming beyond. More than a thing I simply want. The need is deep rooted, a water plant with roots made for suction. There is salt in my blessings, bringing taste to a bland afternoon. Sample thee from a pool of seduction. Two choices before you. Unfold these presents and make a choice.
Love or infatuation?
I want to go further. Inside where your desires crawl. I aspire to unveil the words hidden in your drunken mind. This body can’t possibly be enough, I cannot not be everything you have ever wanted. You could not have dreamed me up, my complexities are too intricate. It must be a nice surprise finding me, stay a while and get to know me.
When they leave I look for you. To look at you. I stand back and notice the curve in your smile. I crave the depth in your words. A Taurus armed with patience. Take your time with this part. I had a vision you stayed, two years from this reality. Each night you took my side and held my hand. I did not panic when you stayed at work too long. Peace overwhelmed me and love over came me. I hate to ask but can you for today be my healer.
Gone with the wind and into my favourite room. My passion to live exceeds what I have known when I see you. Soothing over my inconsistency and giving me hope for another happy day. There is more to being alive, I feel so much more. Bliss flows from you when you tell me you are feeling things. God sent you to do this work. I look inside and know it’s real, I reach out to touch you just to make sure.
These are the better days.
I Hit the pillow and was up eight hours later. Sleep came for me without warning. No room left for thoughts to wonder or for imagination to take root. No lies to my subconscious kept me up. I simply lay…
The poet says sleep evades her, like danger she avoids it.
Meet me at the start of the milky way. A picnic on the moon. Dream state dates in other universes. Take a big dip and become like the gas giants, make beautiful colours flow into storms. The words of tomorrow flow from you. They make your mind aware and tug at your heart. Slowly stories draw pictures in your mind, giving you vivid details and notes on points of humor. Wake up and write your dreams, you will be set free and master the calmness to get some sleep.
The lover says she is missing from him, sleep comes at his side.
You forget that you lived before he passed by. Inside you a universe in need of protection beckons. Blue light addiction into another late night hour. How much further will you wait as he peacefully rests. If its unbearable go to him in the morning. On your way remember the words of my song. Free bird in search of a home. Find a tree and build a nest, a place just for you and dreamed by you. The cage is see through but impossible to pass through. Locked inside you will be exposed for your master to see. How do you take the power that belongs to you and place it into the hands of someone else. If he loves you he is hoping you are asleep. Turn the mirror face side down and drift into your mind. Sleep baby sleep.
I was once a mad woman. With voices shouting as competition in my mind. Sleep was my evasive heaven, the elevator ride to the top floor. It was my loss, my health a burden. Loved into intoxication, the self reliance on outside energy. Freedom was inwards. In a simple preparation for death. Slow hums and empty thoughts poured out into a river of meditation. The small practice of learning to breath. Inside my self I found peace in release.
In and out until I was fallen.
The coals warm my feet like wool, the pain a remedy to emotional strain..
It’s been one of those days, after one of those months. A whole year spent in a state of almost. Only my fantasies have happier endings. The real me is hit with surprise endings and unforeseen events. The only thing keeping me sane is my body grounded in the earth.
How do I stay positive?
This is a paradise, with water so blue and beaches made of stone. The forests will be restored and the sky will cry in time. A rainbow will dress the horizon and you will have the best seat in the house. Believe it to live it.
No blessings to count, only poverty and insecurity. Stuck in war, a woman unprotected. How then will I smile through another falsified election?
My thoughts are like dark clouds without rain, they are blown away to bring false hope to another neighbourhood. Unplucked from reality I strive to find solid footing. I want to take a risk and know myself. If there is no hope for me at least I will have me, the mind a companion to this somber tale. My sunflower dream unfolds like this; I do not want to die, that bares positivity in my mind.
Positivity is like fertile soil, ever giving when nurtured. Seeds of affirmation and beautiful sun to warm the earth. The water of life, honest self accountability. I want a good relationship with my soul, I cannot pretend or lie. I introspect to investigate the cause of my declining mood. How can I make myself so big? I should be grateful for air and friends. I am hungry for change and prosperity. I should be grateful for purpose. I am tired of pain and betrayal. I should be grateful for divine intervention.
Positivity is gratitude that bares fruits of grace. It feels like a good song. That warm feeling on a good day. It inspires presence.
The Sun is your partner, falling onto you like silk, brown eyes, dark skinned angel, I don’t wanna be alone.
I dive stead fast into fear. My heart measures outrageous numbers out of my chest. I am hopeful that my soul when ready will catch me. Not to safely bring me down to earth but to float me above where all the girls have fun. Take a hold of my insecurity. I am nervous that you see through my false facade of seduction. Cuddle therapy is my only requirement, deliver on this predicament.
Self sabotaging has held me back, not anymore.
There was once a time I caused entertainment out of misfortune. As things went well I convinced myself that I was somehow un deserving. Pulling out of ideal scenarios to return to the safety of loneliness. In my room where no one could find me, they could not hurt me. The type of existence relying on solitude. Of mind and emotions. I thought to myself; only I will hold the power to hurt me.
And there I left him, waiting by the phone to try again.
Love will bleed you open. History will hold up receipts to remind you of this. When good things knock on your door, you become sceptical thinking it’s a prank by someone unfunny. How then will you accept what is meant for you? You may be a wise hermit ready to die alone. You could accumulate only experiences and not people. Lessons will be your children and your sanctuary will be only made for one. But if for instance the opportunity arrives. A beautiful chance to connect, say Yes!
There is love for you if you accept it, open your hands to receive it. Be held in the embrace of the universe. It is not one more chance, it is simply the right thing. When it ends be hopeful for something better. Do not love with hesitation, embrace without ultimatum. Limit your expectations to this; love and respect. If you are receiving the energy you give then the present is enough to say Yes!
I am made a morning person. The sun rises over your head, a golden halo. You’re so beautiful when you speak. So kind when you listen. You hold my attention without trying. Ride this wave till 6PM. Another hour to reveal your divine nature.
If authenticity was an aesthetic…
I can’t climb trees but I would to catch a glimpse of you. Skater girl from my teenage dreams. I wonder if you’re looking for trouble, I have a pocket full of options. Let’s enter this bus and see where we end up. Complicate this agenda and get to know me. The eyes beg for answers;
What is the meaning of life?
Take a chance on you. Imagine you decided that starting today would be the day you begin your future. Literally speaking, you could walk into your destiny with authority. There is suffering on your right, emotional pain on your left, anguish and anxiety all around you. These are the colour of gloom and the by products of apparent civilisation. Maybe we should move, to somewhere yoga minded and with special green drinks. Into the plane you will carry yourself and all the light as air baggage you carry in your heart. A change of location simply makes for a different aesthetic, atleast the pictures provide a different perspective.
What if there is no meaning? Interpretations of past decisions draw a clear line out for me to study. A graphical representation of dark graffiti. Simply put I have been searching, to find myself and then to find you. All things fell in my lap when I looked in the right place. The journey was not for happiness but for acceptance. Yes, affirming what I knew to be a new day. An opportunity to live with my whole body. Is meaning separate from purpose?
We attach meaning to things of significance. What has been done in a life time that holds value to those outside of me. I have stayed alive because people love me. Now I shall spend my life learning to love myself. The meaning of life for me then becomes a spiritual journey of self acceptance and understanding love.
It changes with time, space and or age. Tomorrow I will make my mother smile and it will mend our hearts. My purpose is to see her smile. This amounts to peace of mind on my end. The meaning of this life lies in gratitude.
Kind eyes with a mean demeanour. Dressed in black to intimidate. When you smile all spells are broken and I see the joy you find between us. This is what I can say;
If every day is lived presently and every anxiety is over come successfully, you decide what today will mean to you. I have a sneaking suspicion it has alot to do with love; of self, of nature and people.
Ps: what do you think is the meaning of life?
She is written down in history as the saint of unconditional love, the bearer of absolute pain.
A knock on the door startles me to sanity. I wonder who could look for me. Extreme measures have been taken to hide away. And yet there he is, the dream from my last night. He couldn’t help himself for he had a question for me.
How can I be alone without dying of loneliness?
Skinny dip in a sea of loneliness. Take off clothes made of denial and pride. You are human and are allowed human emotions. These feeling float outside your body, vibrating like sound over your head. Running from them would be fruitless. Open your door and let loneliness in. Talk to her and ask why she persists. She is forever in search of companionship, a lover at heart. Put on a love song and seduce her. She came to collect on your promises, for you opened up and told the sky you wanted a friend. Tell her this, ” I am the friend you need”
What do you like to do? Something that can fully engage your mind and keep you here. Your mind when inside you makes you feel better, when it floats away it returns with insecurities. The ego is fragile because it dwells in self pity. In a desire to feel deserving of a false idea of love. There is a difference between faith and demand. Pick faith, it is a garden that surprises you with seasonal natural flowers. Inside you is a child, nurture her and keep her happy. Give unto yourself what you desire. Make your self happy with a Hobby you enjoy.
Be a good friend to yourself, a kind and compassionate listener. Hold your body at night and woe your mind to sleep. Say this;
I am enough.
What is meant for me will find it’s way.
You are warned not to enter or get close. I am contagious with complexity and alive with change.
Funny how he wanted what he feared. Closer to the addiction that is adrenaline. Lounging in my bed yet un employed. Hhmm a familiar hum to a desert song. There is no judgement inside me for folk. Trying is good enough. I am fully rooting for you but from far away.
The past ages and degrades like memory. I do not go to swim there in murky waters. It is taken from me like surgery and I am glad. This is the way of the universe. It is an empathetic mother that strives to teach. The same lesson is given to you until you surrender.
Okay fine, a phrase of my reluctant acceptance comes out of me. My soul sees that I mean it. Like a mirage the pain becomes an Illusion. I feel nothing but only my body. My prayers were once made of this.
This is one final poem;
I scream to a void
Devoid of shame
I am free today and tonight
Black bird doing a rain dance.
Imagine a plant that disperses with air, feathers alike fly away from it taken by wind into other lands. The stalk remains alone and almost sure of rebirth.
There must be something going on in the planets. Star dust meant for me has travelled through my attachments loosening everything founded in selfishness. Like shock therapy I am faced with un foreseen betrayal. I shouldn’t give this such an ugly name. It’s more like love upside down. It still builds me and grows my soul; the only down side is that it bleeds my heart.
The choice to let go.
Tear me out then, if it is to hurt let it. Break me apart and take away the piesces that do not belong to me. I will remain intact with only authenticity. De clutter my emotional stores. I want to be free. I want to be sole, without the energy belonging to others that I have carried on my back for so long. Let me Float apart from the clouds and slide down a rainbow dream. This is the stuff of monks.
I take a serious look around. The sun is out like it was just for me. The sight of the lake is glimmering and calling me. My feet are longing for exercise. Vain no more. I lean into the unknown with my whole chest. The sky, oh beautiful blue friend do you not cry anymore because you are seasonally happy?
I will indulge in this heaven a new dawn has brought for me.
Just on the side of trouble, merely watching and barely engaging.
On the other end of the indie film radar. Catching a glimpse of my off beat movements in a window. The sun sets in Polaroid and flowers grow out pale neon colours. Drawn into psychedelic wall papers. A relaxing cliche of women I admired as a child. I’ll go to the mall and stare down a five year old eyeing my krusher. I may for the sake of it distress my denim.
It’s on my mind, roaming till ripe. A juicy awakening into authenticity. I like grey and pink, the spot in between that isn’t supposed to make sense. I identify with my gender and outside of it. Nothing to lose but boredom. Looking for something in time, I hope it’s not my mind. Lost because I want to be, I take a longer route home. Maybe I will see something worth a life time, something to change my mind and open it towards the unknown.
I did it for one thing. I made it last just for one last hallucination. The illusion of love. The honest joker returns at night, he is a tired king in his dreams and a pauper in the day. Sweat on the back again, sun pushing through. Alot of words just to say one thing;
I need to take a road trip and never return till it’s over. Will you come with me?
Like a rasta from down south.
My anger is founded in sheer disrespect. Through it all the other stands beside and makes a mess of my hard work. It creeps up like a disease. A fever here to make the night long. I stare till my eyes betray me. I almost cry and almost care. The battle redirects in me, it’s time to rise for my gender, to reimagine my relationship for my rights. I honestly just wanna chill.
Some one once said that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
This is how I let it go. I stay a while longer in my bed. Through my phone I scramble for a song that moves me. A song that takes me to positive happiness. I caution my mind to have control. The only thing my hands can carry is how I react. I should not throw away my time.
Ice cold baby, too far inside. Too detached and distracted. Uncaring was not the goal. I become a dead end for expectations. Unreactive to intentional taunts. My insides nug at me to defend my self against hurtful treatment. I guess I some how master the calmness to kick him out of my life and say;
Fuck off man.